Review

The Christmas Train: All Aboard the Sleigh Ride of Sappiness

If Hallmark movies were a direct train route, "The Christmas Train" is the non-stop express through the land of holiday clichés. Set your ticket for a festive nostalgia trip where predictability is the price of admission, and "aw shucks" moments are the complimentary snacks.

The film—or should we call it a Hallmark holiday entertainment spectacle—begins with our protagonist, a cynical writer who boards the titular train from Washington, D.C., to Los Angeles. Spoiler alert: this is the same literary locomotive that chugs through the heart-tugging track of unforeseen love, festive magic, and enough 'coincidences' to make you question your own life's lack of serendipity.

En route, every train compartment seems to double as a miniature Christmas village crafted by your grandmother, complete with tinsel and passengers whose sole mission is to spread Christmas cheer—a demographic obviously handpicked from the Hallmark holiday movie casting couch. Whether it's the wisecracking conductors or the mysterious old ladies with uncanny advice, this is a train ride that feels less like a commute and more like visiting your local Christmas-themed escape room.

The romantic lead, who undoubtedly has the jawline and sweater collection of a walking holiday card, meets our writer in a clash that is about as unexpected as a snowflake in December. As they banter back and forth, it's only a matter of scenes before their frosty tensions thaw into a warm cocoa-like love.

While it may not be the Next Great Holiday Classic, "The Christmas Train" is like cozying up in front of a fireplace with the familiar comfort of your favorite Hallmark movies. It won't do anything to derail the brand (pun definitely intended), but it will swaddle you in a blanket of festive predictability. This is the perfect movie for anyone who finds peace in knowing exactly what will happen next. So, tickets please, because the minute they say "there's a storm up ahead," you know that this train is full steam ahead into the promised land of Hallmark happy endings.